April 3, 2016 (Washington, DC)

Mile  671 -We are church folks. We get churchy on Sunday and we get churchy on Wednesday. We don't always get churchy on vacation, but we figured a good time to visit the National Cathedral would be on a Sunday during their normal worship service.

                                    
It was a lovely service in the Episcopalian tradition. The choir was small but fierce. And, the breath-taking cathedral was full of people from all walks of life and religious traditions. It was really nice. Our hook, line, and sinker for Thomas was that one of the gargoyles on the cathedral is Darth Vader.

May the Faith be with you

Mile 676-We scarfed down some granola bars en route to my second religious experience of the day. The Ford Theatre. Our midday itinerary will be steeped in all things Lincoln. Just the way I like it! We toured the museum and saw all the things. The Deringer, the blood stained pillow, and of course, the balcony.


Then we went to the house across the street where he was taken to  meet his maker. I realize that not everyone might find his life and death as interesting as I do, so let me give the people what they want....I present to you:

The World's Largest stack of books written about Lincoln! Alright, there is probably only one dog in this fight. And, there aren't actual books but tin book likenesses. And the books repeat. I spotted my personal favorite, Manhunt-The 12-day Chase for Lincoln's Killer, at least 5 times. But, that joker is 3 stories tall. Tallest book-like heap that I've ever seen!

Mile 678- The Museum of Natural History was next on the list! The children had periods of civility which I always try to capture for posterity.



I enjoyed the animals (stuffed and posed!) My favorite was a real life depiction of a lion taking down a water buffalo. Live action-taxidermy! Mae took one look and said, "yep, that's the food chain for ya."

We meandered down to the human evolution section. Thomas got real interested in Joe Neanderthal and friends. Most of the bronze statues were kept au natural and Thomas took it upon himself to examine all of their undercarriages to announce if we were dealing with boy or girl cave dwellers. Everyone should have a Thomas to keep them humble about their parenting skills. John reassured me that it was normal and there was a  reason the kids of our generation liked "reading" the National Geographic.... Nekkid Neanderthal!

                 
                             Besties and their attempt at duck face

We capped off the day with a last minute schedule change. We were going to take in a free concert at the Kennedy Center, but instead decided on an un-free I-Max movie about the National Parks. It was a timing thing, The Kennedy Center was obviously the clear choice! But, no time like the present to whet our appetites for this summer's travels! Charlotte has now claimed Teddy Roosevelt as her presidential darling. National Parks, people. AKA The thing that the federal government got really right.

We hoofed it over to the White House to see it at night and to fit in our daily face-plant by Mae. This time she fell face first into a presidential flowerbed and a nice secret service officer helped brush her off her face and dignity. I requested a presidential band aid and/or a personal visit from the First Lady, but all he had was a peppermint stowed away in his bullet-proof vest. I guess Michelle was busy but Yay! Hard Candy!

Late night dinner/drinks at Capitol City Brewery and then one more stop......

Lincoln went to church here and his hitching post is still out front! Nighty-Night!

April 2, 2016 (Virginia, District of Columbia)

Mile 635.5- Mt. Vernon- home to our first president, George Washington. The weather was dreary and we had to stand in a rainy line with multitudes of middle schoolers. Heavenly rewards await you, middle school chaperones. Jesus told me.
Whist standing in line, we learned that another name for an outdoor potty is a Necessary.... Well,  I reckon it is.

Thomas sharply dressed in period dress-up clothing. I just wish I could hear future teenage Thomas thanking me for this. 

We like porch-sittin' and we cannot lie!

Now, nary a one of you gives a rip that my kids toured another historic home. You just want to know about the teeth. And, if you didn't know you wanted to know about the teeth. Trust me. You want to know about the teeth.

These are his actual dentures. I had to take a picture of the denture postcard that I bought because taking a picture of the actual dentures might land you in Guantanamo. Yes, I paid real paper money for a denture postcard.

Poor Georgie had to endure decades of orthodontic impairments. By the time he was elected president, he had but one of his own teeth/tooth left in his head! Then that one went rogue and it had to be pulled too. Leaving him no choice but to falsify some things. First of all, don't believe the rumor mill, they aren't made of wood.  Some dentist in New York fashioned those suckers out of other people's teeth,  horse teeth, and elephant teeth! 

Whatchu talking 'bout, Willis? 

In retrospect, it is a little sad that such a brilliant man couldn't smile for pictures! "No, it's no biggie. I just created a nation, i'll just stand over here with my cup of apple sauce and purse my lips for the camera".  I cannot imagine a current head of state stepping out of Air Force One with Jethro mouth. Three cheers for progress!

Mt. Vernon was worth a trip if you are in the D.C. area. You can learn about Washington's leadership during the birth of our nation,  and you can see THE TEETH!

Mile 656- Washington, DC! We logged over 13 miles on foot today and my dogs are barking! By the time we made it into the city the weather had improved and we took to the national Mall with the rest of humanity. But, the humanity is what makes Washington so special. You couldn't round up 20 people of the the same ethnicity/race/religion in the bathroom line. But, you don't even notice the differences. The languages are different, the clothes are sometimes different, and our faces might be different. But, we were all trying to corral our young'uns, take pictures of our families,  and absorb magnitude of the monuments and memorials that tell our nation's story. Washington is pretty warm-fuzzy if you can keep the politicians out of it! 

I don't always take selfies, but when I do, they are with my main man!

"Don't Climb On or Pick the Cherry Blossoms" We were only in partial violation and I swear we didn't see the sign until it was too late. 

Sorry Dr. King, but my favorite part of this picture are the smiles.

funny. not funny. 

FDR is Mae's fav, she had been looking forward to his monument and his pooch!

April 1, 2016 (South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia)

This latest installment of Mileophile will take us to our nation's capitol and surrounding areas!

Mile .04- We decided that since we were embarking on the longest continuous car ride in Mileophile history (8 hours with no fun interesting stops) we should check the kids out of school a bit early.  I arrived in John's car and when the children entered the parking lot, I started to explain that while they were at school, my land yacht had broken down and we had to drive John's car all the way to Washington. Man, it was hilarious watching their PTSD kick in from two summer's ago when they were crammed in the back of a rental Maxima. Gasps of disbelief, actual wet tears, and mucho protesting. I let them carry on a while then... April Fools! I love to build their character!

We are pushing forward and only stopping when nature calls and to get gas.
Mile 199- Gaffney, South Carolina-Largest statue of a Keister (they say it's a peach) You be the judge...

Look kids, its a full moon!

I Ass-ume that the people of Gaffney have become desensitized to watching the sun set on the fuzzy cheeks of the local heinie statue. But, I declare, my feminine sensibility can't un-see that.  (fans self, feigns the vapors). 

Again, not many stops on this first leg so not much to write about.
Our favorite satelite radio station of this trip has been Prime Country because we can kind of agree on it.  I remember a few of the songs because they played on my radio after the New Kids on the Block era but prior to The Cure/Morrissey sad-goth period. John remembers riding in his daddy's truck listening to Ronnie Milsap and Terri Gibbs (who?? ) Such poetry spewed forth from the air waves such as, "I'm messed up in Mexico living on re-fried dreams" and "You're my Jamaica, You're paradise to me" Charlie Pride's combination of steel drums and steel guitar was musically perplexing, but hey, it was the '80s. 

And car quote of the day is awarded to Thomas. "Excuse me....., I had gas. The real kind, not the April Fools kind"

Mile 548- We pulled into the Springhill Suites at 11:45, joining  a horde of travel baseball players. One day, dear reader, some I-team investigative reporter will uncover a scandal  revealing the under-the-table involvement of  mid-range, mediocre hotel chains and the surge in popularity of youth travel sports. Your families are making it rain at Marriott headquarters. Although, after seeing 20 something pre-teen boys get real comfortable at the free breakfast, they may not be breaking even....

February 21, 2016 (North Carolina, Georgia)

Mile 277- The Biltmore Estate- We have hit a milestone!! All of the little ones can now take an audio tour!  Even the crazy one.  We’ve shied away from long tours in the past because on the unpredictable nature of the least Bullington. But, Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Today we did it! 90 minutes of it! It was the children’s audio tour, but it kept the kids engaged and listening the whole time!

They had a WHAT in their basement? Dang.

Humble Cottage 

shhh. they're getting along again. what do we do???

Right now The Biltmore is exhibiting academy award winning  Victorian era wedding gowns from film in all of the rooms! Drool! There are gowns that have been worn by Gwyneth Paltrow, and Kate Winslet, and Emma Thompson, and Meryl Streep. The costume design is spectacular and if you like costumes (I kinda do!) it is running through March and you need to see it! During our recap of the day, I commented to Mr. Bullington that the gowns were my highlight. He said. “there were dresses in every room?” Bless. Charlotte and Mae agreed that the indoor pool was pretty rad and Thomas preferred the “Gun room”. Shocker. 

We semi-enjoyed a horrifically overpriced lunch and headed to the Barn. The kids got to pet a 7-day old goat and eat fresh ice cream from the creamery as I stared longingly at the Winery.

But onward and outward, we’ve got some schooling to tend to in the am.

Mile 413- Tallulah Gorge- This was completely unplanned but someone had to go to the bathroom. Someone ALWAYS has to go to the bathroom. We happened to stop at the Tallulah Gorge Overlook! John and I had been but the kids had never seen it. It is the deepest Gorge East of the Mississippi so we had to stop!

I was reminded that this bozo walked across it on a wire in 1970. The Great Wallenda (aka Karl) perched himself on a tight-rope over the gorge which is 1000 ft deep! He made it! Yay! But, in 1978 he thought that his monkey business would translate to a rope strung between two big ol’ towers in Puerto Rico. Guess what?  RIP Karl. No Hablo Loco. And kids, Don’t try this cuckoo ish at home!

1000 feet of Gorge (and 4 feet of Gorgeous!)

Do not attempt 

Mile 522- Home! It’s dark and we have school and work tomorrow! Eeek! I need a day to recover! North Carolina Down, only 29 to go!

February 20, 2016 (North Carolina)

Mile 269 Asheville- The Bullingtons bid adieu to our friends and hit the road for Asheville.

Cool public art project on a wall surrounding a void in an otherwise beautiful downtown area. Wonder where I could find one of those. Ahem. (clears throat and glares at Phillip Goldstein)

Home of the largest collection of bumper stickers in the world! (only a hunch, scientifically unproven)Since my sweet friend Karen moved here and I visited a few times, I have called it the land of opinionated bumpers. I, too, love peace, kale, quinoa, free thought, open minds,  little puppies, and Mother Teresa. I just don't feel the need to wear it back there. I am getting a little deep for Mileophile, but when your car in a junk heap in 20 years, so will be your bumper sticker ideology. And there is something sad about a "Teach Peace" bumper sticker cracked and faded on the back of a impounded, rusted out Sentra. Actually getting your happy heiny out there and teaching peace without getting all preachy will leave more of an impact, don't you think? (And that just sounded totally preachy. The struggle is real, y'all)

 Anyway, most Ere’ body in Asheville wants to make sure you know that they are co-existing while eating locally grown sustainable kale. They have come up with a heap of ways to tell you that plastered on the back of their Subaru Outbacks. We get it. You live in Asheville, I know your dog is a rescue. I know that you bark less and wag more. I know that Kale is your Power Plant. I know that you think a cow is a life not a lunch. I almost stuck my own sticker on the back of car just for giggles but I couldn’t decide between  “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers” and “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat” I couldn’t do that though, because a.) I could never find those for purchase in Asheville and b.) I would never  have them on my person because my bumper (unlike my talk hole) is quite unopinionated. 

All kidding aside, we LOVE Asheville! Everyone is overtly nice, the food is great, lots of great music and very kid friendly. It really is "anything goes", which is nice if you are trying to roll up into a bar called the “Odditorium”. I had read that it was the place to go if you’ve never seen a taxidermied two-headed duck. (which we hadn’t!) They apparently have a decent display of weird stuff but I emailed the owner about potentially gaining access outside of bar hours to view his collection of oddities.  I also wanted to check the “kid friendliness” of it because a previous exhibit had included some stuff that was questionable. I didn’t hear from him in time so we nixed it, but got an email on the way home that he would love for the whole family to come take a look at the oddities. Oh, well. Next time!

In the meantime we ate at Farm Burger for lunch and our favorite Indian Restaurant of all time, Chai Pani for dinner (now there is one in Decatur! Whoot!) 

Mae give Indian Coke a Thums Up!

We saw a really big Iron, 

drank hot chocolate in a double decker bus, 

and  wandered around the Grove Arcade.

The Grove Arcade (not the video game kind) was one of the last historic Arcades constructed in America.  It was restored and placed on the National Register of Historical Places after some opinionated preservationists insisted that it restored for its original use. I guess being opinionated isn't so bad after all....

Tomorrow The Largest Privately Owned Home In America!”

February 18th and 19th (North Carolina)

The next day the Holle’s were in charge of our delicious breakfast and we were up early and out the door. Didn’t want to be too tardy signing up the kids for ski school (where they spend all day with SOMEONE ELSE learning how to ski. Yes please. )

The little girls were quite enamored with Hunky Wes the ski instructor

The bad news is that it took us 2 hours to drive 3 miles.  Again, a big SUV and solid ice do not a marriage make. Nor did they marry well with me trying to reverse the directions as I am directionally impaired (but fun at parties!)  The good news is that we didn’t die. Emily and I came close to dying from a heart attack. And at one point, Melissa and Emily opted to trudge through the snow alongside the vehicle instead of being in it whilst it was backed down the mountain (or plummeting off the mountain if you are a worst-case scenario type of cat)

Mile 287- Beech Mountain Ski Resort- We made it and signed the kids up for ski school. The big Grumpy Gus that greeted us did not care a lick that we had risked life and limb to ski that day.  His exposure to the public henceforth should be limited to nil. Yes, ski school was full when we got there. But, some cold hard cash in the palm of a college-aged school registrar went a long way (thanks, Melissa S!) We were pleasantly surprised with the conditions. I haven’t skied in the east in a while, but we got really lucky! Lots of fresh snow and cold enough that it didn’t turn icy!  We found a great mountain top bar and skied in and out of there for the next two days…

Our Semi-Annual Family Picture featuring Grumpelstiltskin

We DID ski with the kids for the last part of the trip when they were nice and tired.  Lots of FUN with the girls who got to be pretty good skiers and lowercase fun with Thomas who decided that he couldn’t go on and slid down the mountain on his rear end, then cried because his gloves were full of snow, then refused to move. Good times.

February 17, 2016- Georgia-North Carolina

    In this installment of See the Nation By Graduation (SNBG), we take on the great state of North Carolina. Everyone had been to NC but Thomas, so we are re-visiting as a family so we can check it off the list. We are sticking to the mountainous region for some winter break skiing and such.  Our friends the Surbers and I took the children up early to get settled, our friends the Holles and John came up later after work.

Mile 128- Cracker Barrel.  aka-checkers, dumplings, hash brown casserole, breaking stuff in the gift shop, repeat. I mean everything in that Mercantile is just so touchable! And the adults were grossly outnumbered. We broke it. We bought it.  So there!

Mile 280- Antartica- Well, I was tooling along listening to WHATEVER THE HECK I WANTED for 4.5 hours! Not a minute of Jam On(thankyouverymuchMr.Bullington), but instead three melodic hours of 80’s,  Coffee House, On Broadway, and a little Hair Nation thrown in for good measure.  Satellite radio is the best thing since indoor plumbing.

This vacation was off to a magnificent start! Don’t get too comfy, it’s about to get real.

Mile  284- Beech Mountain (Highest Ski Resort East of the Mississippi!) "Where is all the snow, gosh dangit!" I said to myself as I neared the mountain cabin we would be calling home for the next few days.  We just rented it off VRBO and we DID KNOW lots of things about it like it had a hot tub, a pool table, and air hockey! Kids will be entertained while we drink wine and play Cards Against Humanity, 70’s style parenting is in full affect.   We DID NOT KNOW that it was perched ON TOP of a mountain and was decorated in the style of Navajo meets Inspirational Wall Sayings.  But, back to the snow… I rounded a corner and I’ll be dipped if everything didn’t just turn white. There was snow on the trees and covering the roadsides. As we continued ascending the mountain the fog thickened. You know what else turned white? The road (and my knuckles)!  How charming! I even snapped a picture of my pocket-friend Melissa in her fancy all-wheel drive making her way through the snow in front of me.

 

Surely, my mega-ton land yacht with 2-wheel drive will perform like the Yukons in all the commercials. I’m here to tell you dear reader, Mammoth SUVs without 4-wheel drive are good for two things;  1.) hauling all your young’uns and their accouterment to all the places in snowless Cobb County and 2.) chugging gas like a frat boy on game day. Visibility decreased so much that I could just barely see the thousand foot drop off to my left. Just barely. The precious little boys started to panic and question their position in the afterlife…”Hush your mouths or I’ll give you something to cry about! I AM TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!!”  (70’s style parenting!) 

Every part of me was either clinched, tensed, or gritted. I reckon I had to draw breath to be writing this, but I think I held it most of the way.  I slipped, slid, and spun into the driveway of the cabin. Miracle of all miracles!  Then both cars promptly got stuck.  I mustered some long-suppressed  mountain girl gumption and started digging us out.  Finally, we got both cars facing the right direction and up to the road.  

The plan was for us to go the store and rent the ski equipment since we were there early. But, No Way, Jose was I getting back out there in that devil’s dandruff! Wine:30 for us while the kids skidded down the mountain on the sleds we brought. I’m sure they’ll be fine. (70’s parenting!)

The Holle’s and John made it in without much trouble that night and we were ready for skiing the following day!