Day 8 and 9 and 10-Tonopah, Nevada to Las Vegas, Nevada to home

Gather round, mamas. For, I've unlocked the secret to rousing your teens on day 8 of an exhausting roadtrip. It's simple, really. Drive 200 miles out of the way and make your tender bebes sleep in a World Famous Clown Motel. By the time morning has broken, they will be texting you from "Clown Motel Room Lite" that they are ready to get the heck out of dodge. They will even meet you at the car with bags packed! Or, maybe that's just our little clowns.  Hard to tell if they were really that traumatized from the clown motel or if they just wanted to get on to Vegas to see what all the fuss was about. 

Now, your humble correspondent was not super psyched about taking the family to sin city. Truth be told, it's not my favorite place on earth. But, the level of debauchery that they are able to concentrate within a few square miles is world renowned! We checked into The Cosmopolitan and were quickly forgiven for our parental Clown Motel misgivings. We hit the strip and within minutes we viewed a rather large older man poured into an aged Elvis costume, puttering down the sidewalk on his Little Rascal pulling from the neck of of a bottle in a paper bag, it was only 10:30am, so I am going to assume that it was orange juice....

Bless.

We visited all of the different hotel lobbies, rode the roller coaster at New York, New York, watched the gondolas at the Venetian, saw the fountains and flowers at The Bellagio. And of course, the children thought that it was the best place ever just to spite me! It was just us and the brides, and bachelorettes, the grannies from De Moines, show girls scantily clad and tail feathered, costumed characters, regular folks, rich folks, poor folks. All shapes and sizes, both half-nekkid and turtlenecked, all sipping from their 3-foot long Fat Tuesday slushie cups. You know I love a cross-section of humanity, and Vegas fits the bill! The biggest complaint was the cigarette smoke and other newly-legal cigarette smoke. It's almost like people are trying to get extra high because they can. It was stinky! And, mixing with the essence of wacky weed was the aroma of two teenage girls that have figured out that you can go into any high end store (Louis Vuitton, Versace, Gucci) and get perfume samples. Which they did... all day.  Electric Youth! 

Flowers at The Bellagio, seriously stunning. 

Big Trucks, Daiquiris, and Beer Park. Just like Paris! 

I love their love. Sweet sisters. 

We wanted to take the kids to a show, but we were very last minute getting tickets. And that point,  the selection was somewhat limited. I couldn't get anyone onboard to see "An Evening with Whitney". This particular show features live dancers and Whitney Houston AS A HOLOGRAM!! What in the Elon Musk kind of witch craft is that? Or would it be Whit-craft? Anyway, we settled on a variety show that was performed on a "water stage". There were tail feathers, and showgirls,  juggling and jiggling, Aerialists, and contortionists, magic, and jokes.  It was very entertaining! Although, I couldn't help but wonder, how does one discover that they are an expert hat boomerang juggler? Or that they can hang from their teeth from a rope 50 feet in the air? Can you even learn that at Devry? The best comment of the night came from Thomas when he leaned over and whispered to me while two stretchy people were entangled and spinning suspended in the air..."Mama, I can't even tell what's what". Me either, Buddy. Me either. 

As the show adjourned, Master Thomas spied some YouTube dude that has a jillion followers (possibly an exaggeration by T). Thomas and this other kid his age approached this fellow, Chad Wild Clay,  after the show. He was very kind and selfied with them. This YouTube dude appealed to a very specific demographic (12-year-old boy), because no one else in the room seem to know who the heck he was. 

This guy!

We finished off the night in Paris! (only in Vegas can you eat in Paris...Unless you are actually in Paris..) We got Finicky McPickypants to try steak tartar! And she didn't gag or cause a scene! #winning

This is us.

We headed back to the room via the casino because there literally is not another route. I approached the bar to get a glass of wine and Mae was with me because she wanted a Shirley Temple. The barmaid proceeded to lecture me on how she could not hand Mae anything from the bar, not even a water.

"Now you're the morality police, Vegas?" I was all (in my passive aggressive head) saying, "So, it's legal to hand me a prostitute, or a joint, but I can't purchase a water or non-alcoholic drink for my kid? That's mixed up, Vegas." Or, maybe I should just keep my kid away from the bar. Also true. 

Day 9- We slept in a bit and I would've loved to linger on our nice balcony to enjoy my coffee, but we were weed adjacent and our neighbor wasn't just a midnight toker, but also a 9am toker. And, it was time to visit a destination that is just as, if not more so exciting than Vegas,....wait for it.....THE HOOVER DAM!!!! 

You can keep your tassle pasties, Las Vegas. I think I'm ready to behold another marvel of human ingenuity! A big ol' dam! Who has two thumbs and can't wait to learn about hydropower?!?! Oh, just me? And, Mr. Bullington, of course! The kids were elated (asleep) when we arrived at this modern marvel and chuckled (mumbled) to themselves about what an opportunity (big fat drag)  had been gifted (forced) upon them. They skipped (trundled) up the steps to the first (of three) viewpoint/s. Unfortunately, (Fortunately, if you are teen) the exhibit hall was closed, so we didn't get to pour over interesting details of dam building for hours. But, we did get to stand with one foot in Nevada and one in Arizona! Who needs bright lights and show girls?!?!

Can this really be happening?!?!

This is when I started serenading them with one of Sugar's finest tunes, Hoover Dam. If you aren't up to date on your 90's tunes, here you go...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p39oPw45tbE

Hooray for Hoover! So excited! 

Feet in two states! The world is my oyster!

Our original itinerary dictated that we would drive halfway back to Albuquerque (airport) and spend the night in Flagstaff. But, when we arrived in Flagstaff at 4:30 and were still jocund from our encounter with the water meets concrete phenomenon, we postulated that it was possible that we hunker down, drive all the way to Albekurkey  Albucheurkee Albuquerque and try to catch an earlier flight. You see, fair reader, we were scheduled to fly out on the last flight Monday night which would render us most assuredly dead when we had to rouse ourselves for school and work in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. Also, our oldest teen, having just turned 16, missed her freedom, and her wheels, her friends, and her beau (we suspect). She was the most vocal about getting the hell home and out of this soul killing minivan with her parents and little brother and little sister. We relented. We're tired of each other, too. 

Day 10- After hitting the somesuchmidrangeMarriott at midnight, we awoke fresh (lies)  at 4am to catch our early morning flight. The hoard of zombies managed to pack and cram every souvenir into our luggage and boarded our 7am flight. We touched down in the ATL around lunch, picked up a very happy Nellie-dog from the boarder, and settled back into home. Happy to be home! But, also not happy to be home. There were several times during this trip that I felt these waves of sorrow. I am generally a happy gal, so it was unusual for me. Nine years ago we set out on a journey. My babies were 3, 5, and 7. We'd borrowed the idea from our friends, the Fishers, and I coined it "See the Nation by Graduation". It has been challenging at times to figure out logistics, timing, cost, but we did it. Hawaii is our last frontier and we've already set to planning (and saving, because OYE! Hawaii is hella expensive, and there aren't any cheap clown hotels)for that trip next spring break. But, what then? Does Mileophile go to bed? This has been a labor of love that I hope has inspired other normal families to get out and see this great/quirky/amazing nation. Why go to Disney when you can go to a Grand Canyon, or a Lake Superior, or a Ball of Twine, or a Mall of America? It's not for everyone, but it's for us. And, I've loved-ish every minute of it.  One state left of this nation before graduation....

Day 7: Los Angeles, California to Death Valley, California to Tonopah, Nevada

 We rallied the troops from their slumber because we had a busy day ahead of us! Although we were staying in Hollywood, we hadn't really seen much of it so we headed toward to Chinese Theater to check out the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This section of L.A. is a little rough around the edges and a lot smelly. When a very large population of homeless folks don't have access to restrooms....I'll let you fill in the blanks.  We walked a bit and then headed back to the hotel to pack up our things and air out our noses. 

Thar she blows!

Foot comparison at Mann's Chinese Theater

The Queen!

RIP, Betty.

Our breakfast plans included making a pilgrimage to the Beachwood Cafe. Why, you ask? Because, duh, Harry Styles mentions this sacred location one time in one random song, so obvi we had to plan our entire vacation around it....Mae was insistent and since her first desired destination (The Harry Styles Pop-Up Shop) had shuttered its doors prior to our arrival, we relented. Fortunately, the food was delicious and we had the sweetest waitress who bestowed upon us all sorts of Harry Styles insider tips. Now, Mae was sore that Harry himself didn't darken the door while we were there, but  at least we were able to feast our eyes on other people who could've possibly been celebrities! If only they had not injected an excess  of collagen and botox into their faces and rendered themselves unrecognizable.....

ERMAGERD!!!

 

After breakfast it was time to say, "Later, Tater" to LA. We will miss the beautiful flowers and homes of Beverly Hills, but not the odiferous stinky-stank of Hollywood. We were bound for Death Valley. And, as unappealing as it might sound, Death Valley didn't make me want to be dead at all. However, It was a labor of love to cross through it. Because it is the largest national park in the lower 48, that big girl is an investment of time! We drove several hours through very remote landscape to get to the boundary of the park and then drove another hour to the interior just to reach the welcome center. Time management not being our strong suit on these trips, we blew into that welcome center with our hair on fire five minutes before closing.  I wormed my way in because I did not just drive 4 hours into the fiery pit of hell (if hell was still scorching hot, but strikingly beautiful) to miss out on a Death Valley Christmas Ornament for my travel tree! It was cool (figuratively) to watch the temperature rise as we descended the mountain. It went from 84 to 104 in about 10 minutes. Although I didn't have time to focus on the exhibits of the welcome center, I deduced that the take home message of Death Valley NP is "Welcome to Death Valley", "It's hella hot here" and "If you linger, you will die and be dead, most assuredly dead."

I told them to "act hot". T-Money understood the assignment

After exiting the park we quickly crossed over the state line and checked off our 49th state of Seeing The Nation by Graduation! Whaaat!?!? 

We had to hit the brakes when I remembered that whilst laundering the other night, I met this sweet little couple who told me all about this ghost town outside of Death Valley. It was pretty special and adjacent to some roadside art installations in the freaking middle of nowhere. A stop in Rhyolite was worth the groans and protests from the peanut gallery.

Spooky Last Supper

Nekkid Lego Lady

Ghost town! Spooky!

Hey, buddy!

Just chillin on a mosaic concrete sofa in the middle of the desert...

Old Train Station from 1905

One of the last examples of bottle construction still standing in America

We arrived at our dinner stop in Tonopah, Nevada, and enjoyed a shiny happy dinner with a grumpy little gal for a waitress. We loved the food at the Tonopah Brewing Company. We also loved how the waitress rolled her eyes anytime someone new walked in the door. So sweet! The kids were so curious about where we were staying for the night. "Will I have a bed?", "Will I be able to charge my phone?", "Is this an actual hotel or something weird?" I can't blame them for their curiosity. We do like to keep our lodging unpredictable for a couple of reasons. One, it's fun to watch them squirm. Two, it keeps them humble. The humility lesson is particularly important for a certain Bullington who possesses Champagne wishes and caviar dreams, but lacks a bankroll and/or a job. So far on this trip we've tried to alternate accommodations. We'd go from a nice hotel in Sedona to a Yurt. From a yurt to The W in Hollywood. From The W in Hollywood, to a haunted clown motel next to a cemetery in the middle of the desert......Yeah. They didn't see that last one coming.... I can't remember who first told me about this place (probably my friend Rachael B, but I'm not 100% sure) and the reactions were mixed when we rolled in. Actually, not that mixed. They ranged from abject horror to flat refusal to exit the van. Oh the things that are going to come out in therapy later! When they are recounting this experience later I am sure they will leave out that I am such a good mom that I secured not one, but TWO rooms at the World Famous Clown Motel. A normal room with a few benign clown paintings that I liken to a baby's nursery, and the IT themed room for those Bullingtons who were feeling a bit more adventurous! They weren't even feeling adventurous enough to exit the vehicle! I went to check in and greeted the owner who showed me around the massive collection of clown memorabilia. I bought a few clown noses for good measure, and went back to the parking lot to try and pry the children from the van. We eventually got them situated in the wussy room and Mr. Bullington and I got comfy in the IT room.  We totally didn't even get murdered. 

It's World Famous!

Look kids, It's Ronald McDonald! He's not scary!

Lord, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away

Surely you jest...

Un-scary room

Nighty-Night!

Selfie with my roomie, Murder Clown

Love the attention to detail! Note the reflection of murder clown in the mirror. 

Day 6 Joshua Tree, California to Los Angeles, California

The beautiful desert sunrise greeted us after what was quite possibly the best night's sleep I've ever had. If you are ever in Joshua Tree, and you want a unique lodging experience, check out The Castle House Estate. This morning was one of those times that we chose to keep our pre-planned activity to ourselves. Now that our kids have access to all of the interweb with their phones, we don't want them googling and forming opinions about something they've never tried, Sometimes you need fresh eyes and ears, and this was one of those times. My friend Jennifer K told me about this place and then my friend Anthony Bourdain told me about this place (RIP, Tony) and it might not be everyone's cup of tea. But, when a dude gets abducted by aliens and sent back to earth with the blue prints for an acoustic sound chamber that he  fashioned out of wood and glue that will alter the time space continuum and make you live forever, it may be worth checking out. That morning en route to the Integratron, we'd told the kids that we were just going to "take a bath", but there wasn't going to be any water. I didn't really know what the heck we were getting ourselves into but carpe diem, amiright? We would be taking a sound bath, with a bunch of strangers.  This is when you lay around on the floor with a bunch of people you don't know while this real sweet lady plays these bowls make out of quartz. The sound combinations are supposed to align your Chaka Khans or Shakiras or some such voodoo. The dome shaped room has perfect acoustics that allow sound to envelop your body and I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty trippy. And really relaxing, and I would totally do it all the days if I didn't have to work and mom all the time. The most life-altering result was that we learned that Thomas can actually lay still for 45 minutes! Shocka-Khan!

You can watch Anthony Bourdain's account here:

https://www.integratron.com/anthony-bourdain-no-reservations/

Ready for our Magical Mystery Tour of the Cosmos! 

Sound Bowls

California Vibe

The young Bullingtons were ever eager to leave the Integratron for the trappings of L.A. I was less enthused about The City of Angels. However, one brief waylay was required when I realized that, Oh my goodness gracious,  we would be passing right by the last remaining Route 66 Wigwam Village in San Bernardino, California! When the opportunity for the Wigwam trifecta presents itself, one does not shy away! Nay! One must duck and cover and roll through a very sketchy portion of outskirt Los Angeles to behold this roadside wonderment. I am sure very few people ever get shot here in the broad daylight! 

We had skipped lunch so headed straight for Pink's Hotdogs! Pink's has been serving up all sorts of hotdogs to the fine people of Los Angeles for 83 years! That's a lot of Franks! 

Clogging arteries since 1939!

Our whirlwind tour of L.A. continued.........

Toes in the sand for a quick minute

The obsession continues for these two. I don't understand it but I don't really have room to talk on account of the wigwams...

There were like, zero Rodeos here. I couldn't even find any barrel racing.

The Mothership is calling them home. Well, notsomuch Thomas. He just followed the girls into every high-end store like it was his job. He's gonna make a heck of a husband one day, ladies!

Hide your daughters....

Golden Girls House, They tried to hide it behind big ol fence, but my arm was juuuust long enough to get a shot. 

Dinner at The Ivy, They clean up alright!

Back to acting like a bunch of yahoos....That's more like it.